Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Attack of the Brides*

*some brides! Not all... a lot were very kind & honest, even if they disagreed with my approach to discussing divorce. I appreciate different views & opinions... :)

I started a thread on Weddingbee.com asking if other brides have discussed divorce with their significant others. Once it got rolling I felt a little under attack & the need to justify my approach. No longer was the question being answered: instead it became a huge mess about how my decisions were basically the wrong way to go into a marriage.

I read some of the comments & I started to cry. A lot of the posters were so kind in their responses (even when they COMPLETELY disagreed with my choice!) and others basically made me feel like I was going to become a failure & end up a divorce statistic.

One poster summed it up perfectly when she said "If you think about it- many people prepare for the worst while hoping for the best- take life insurance for example. None of us think our fiance's or husband will die suddenly- but people do die suddenly and young. And life insurance would let you live more comfortably afterward. But no one looks down on people for buying life insurance! As women, we need to take charge of ourselves and our own destiny."

Amen, sister friend :)

Am I going into my marriage HOPING we get divorced? Never. Look at Jon & Kate. Look at divorced couples you know. Did they get married with the hopes of one day breaking up? No. We all want to live happily ever after & I'm no different.

I really wish every couple a lifetime of happiness :)


  1. It's really hard sometimes to be so open on the net when attitudes, thoughts and your true heart don't come across well. Tone and context are often misread when trying to talk about difficult topics. My honey has made a couple comments about 'if this doesn't work out.' I laugh at him and tell him "You're stuck with me for life mister!" The sad reality is, he's been divorced twice before and so he is a little skeptical about marriage. This is my first marriage. He was with me for 5 years before he would even consider marriage because of his fears of his failed relationships. But I tell him all the time, your past - my past are what brought us together. If we hadn't gone through them, we wouldn't be the people we are today and we wouldn't have the love we have between us with respect and open communication. I would much rather he share his fears about divorce than keep it bottled inside. I just found out in a pre-marital counseling session that some of his 'friends' have even suggested he get a pre-nup agreement with me! I was surprised, but not offended. I don't know where your questioning led but I do know there's nothing wrong with talking about the what-ifs...as long as you don't let them drive your decisions and consume your thoughts and emotions.

  2. FYI - I just left a post over on your weddingbee thread :)

  3. Ugh, I'm sorry you got attacked there. :( I had a thread go bad once and it was SERIOUSLY unbelievably stressful to be so misunderstood.

    I think you need to do what makes you feel secure and safe, and I totally understand your motivation. I get annoyed when people talk about protecting yourself as "planning to divorce"--NOBODY plans to divorce, but it happens to people from all walks of life (including the people who say they don't believe in it!). As long as you are working to protect your relationship as well as making sure you are protected should it fail, I think no one has the right to judge you.

  4. Mr. Milk and I have definitely talked about divorce and how relationships can and/or do change. I think there is this fairytale belief almost that once you are married its just happily ever after. But that takes a lot of work. On a daily basis. And while some things are in our control, there are a lot that aren't. I think you are smart to be looking ahead and taking into account one of the realities of our time. It has nothing to do with going into it thinking or planning to divorce.
    Sorry that you were attacked and misunderstood. All that really matters at the end of the day is that you and your mister are on the same page, communicating, and happy.

  5. Thank you ladies for all your kind comments :)

    Best wishes to all of you!

  6. Wow! I have to say that I'm surprised that that happened on WeddingBee, one of the reasons I love that site so much is because it's pretty rare to see the nastyiness come out.

    I think it's important to talk about divorce and things that will not be tolerated in your marriage, and the difficult times that life can bring upon a marriage. Going into a marriage thinking that everything is going to be rainbows and chocolates all the time is naive.

  7. Retrocommenting here, but I JUST watched the Bachelor tonight!!! HA!